Ways to Annoy Ed Elric
by XxIrisxX
Summary: A collection of methods for ending up with an irritated Ed. There are lots of these, I know, but you may find these to be a bit different from the rest :D
1. Chapter 1

**Ways to Annoy Ed Elric.**

Just some crazy cracked up humor that I came up with. Please review! :D  
**Warning:** Twilight Bashing!

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**I. Mistake him for some other Edward**

Edward Elric walks down a random road. Before long, he is captured by a weird fangirl.

"Oh my God! Edward, what's up?"

"Uh...walking to get some fresh air?" Ed replies, annoyed by the girl's squeaks.

"But...you're under the sun!" The girl exclaims, poking and nudging Ed's skin.

"And is that a problem?"

"Darn hell, yeah! You're supposed to be all shiny! Where are your sparkles?"

"My sparkles?" Ed looks at the girl, confused and doubting her sanity, "Never had any! I'm not Armstrong!"

The girl frowns.

"I dunno why but many girls just wanna glomp you! Dude, how come?" She asks, twisting her face in confusion, "Why would they wanna drool over some girly man wearing lipstick in his_ own_ movie?"

"Girly man? LIPSTICK? Hey now shut up! Sure I made one movie but there weren't _any _lipsticks there!" Ed fumes, "AND WHO YOU CALLING GIRLY YA' PENISLESS MAN!?"

"Like, no need to fuss! Just wanted to get an autograph!"

"Oh really?" Ed says calming down instantly. He takes out his pen and a piece of paper, barely beginning to write his name-

"Wait! I thought you'd be taller for your age!"

-but smacks them down the road.

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT YOU CAN'T SEE HIM STANDING ON TOP OF AN ANT?"

"You're even shorter than Bella!" She scowls, ears still ringing from all that screaming.

"WHO YOU CALLING SHORT THAT HE- wait! Bella?" Ed pauses and blinks, "There's no Bella!"

"Oh so sorry!" The girl says, blushing at the identity crisis. "Wrong show!"

She takes off, leaving behind a wide-eyed Ed, panting and fuming at the unexpected embarrassment.

The pen continues lying on the road in an unfixable mess.

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**Moral of the story:** Don't glomp anyone unless you're well acquainted with his/her personal description.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ways to Annoy Ed Elric.**

Um, warning...some book-bashing! *laughs nervously* Please review! :D

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**ii. Make him read a bedtime tragedy.**

Al slams open the door, sitting down next to a very grouchy Ed.

"Brother, brother!"

"Yes, Al?" Ed says, suppressing a yawn.

"Guess what?" Al asks.

Ed replies.

"Brother, I have something that'll help you sleep." Al says chirpily- as chirpy as an armour can sound- shoving a book into Ed's arms.

Ed sighs and shakes his head, "No Al! Not another story about a girl and her step mom and sisters! That's plain bullshit!"

"But it's a nice fluffy bullshit, brother!"

"But still bullshit, Al!" Ed groans, looks down at the said book and looks back up again. "A whale?"

Al nods enthusiastically. "It's a tragedy!"

Ed sighs and flips open the book and says, handing it over to his armour brother, "It's better for me to hear you read."

Al takes the book in hand and begins clearing his throat, "Eighteenth century Neverland. An era known for poaching and hunting. Particularly whales. Sperm whales. Sperm whales are now in most demand. All you have to do if take a pinch of salt, some turmeric, two or three chillies, grind them well with gar...well, coming to the point- because they retain a special bladder full of oil...used for va-various pur...poses...OH HOW CRUEL BROTHER!!" Al screams, voice trembling due to pure shock.

"Uhun! Sperm whales. Then?"

"It's written: I went aboard a hunting ship, the captain there was one legged. I saw the crew crapping their pants just by working while I sat by and watched."

"Smart trooper." Ed mutters.

"Then out of nowhere, we see a whale. A white sperm whale. The famous white sperm whale-" Ed lies down uncomfortably, groaning to the never ending climax-

"Hobby Dick!"-and shoots himself back up again.

"Say what?"

"Hobby Dick." Al continues, "The meanest sperm whales of 'em all! Wow brother! The author chose a relevant name for the sperm whale don't you think?"

"Yeah. The spermy with the biggest dick. Continue!"

"Hobby Dick topples down the ship, the crew falls, we all fall."

"Great call!"

"The crew swims, I swim, the captain-"

"Swims?" Ed says, rubbing his eyes. His eyes get heavy burdened by sleep and yawns don't show signs of ceasing.

"No, the captain screams, drowns, gobbles up some water and then swims. Hobby Dick splashes water with his tail. He tries ejecting sperms but fails! "

Ed begins to count numbers. His head now buzzing with pictures of a whale with Mustang's face having a large dick. Eyes redden, yawns cease, his body tires and mind becomes confused.

"The first mate shoots a harpoon. He dies. The second mate dies. The chef cuts carrots and dies. The foreteller dies. The captain dies. We all die. The end."

Ed stretches himself, looking unfazed by the ending. His sleep had left the building and his eyes throbbed badly!

"Uhm...I have another one. It's called 'Why-light.'"

Silence.

"It's about this vampire dude who falls in love with a girl and sparkles."

Silence.

"Or this one about a boy looking for some stone."

More silence.

"Brothe-"

"GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE YA'TINCAN! GET OUT BEFORE I SHOVE THESE BOOKS IN YOUR METAL ASS!"

"But brother!" Al wails, feeling his imaginary tears slip.

"THE CAPTAIN DIES WE ALL DIE THE END?? THANKS SO MUCH FOR RUINING MY SLEEP!"

"Brother, I tried!"

"OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!! I'D RATHER HAVE MUSTANG SINGING LULLABYS THAN READING ANOTHER CRAPPY BULLSHITTY FUCKING FREAGGIN' SO MUCH OF A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING-BUSH PEEING-COTTON-CANDYMUNCHING-WANTING-TO-SHOVE-YOU-MOUTH-IN-SOME-ONE-ELSE-SPASTA-TRAGEDY!!"

Al closes the door and runs for his life. By the time he was in the next neighbourhood, sounds of his brother screaming drifted in to his invisible ears.

But now, at least Al knows better to think before he acts...or in this case, reads.

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**Moral of the story:** Always read the synopsis. It helps. And you live for another day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ways to Annoy Ed Elric.**

Sorry for taking so long. No excuses; just was being lazy! XP And even though it's late...like really late, still...HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERY ONE! :D Please review. :P

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**III. Shove him into a call centre**

"And this is a pair of headphones!" The manager explains, "You need to put them on while you answer someone's call...or you can just use the plain ole' receiver."

Ed frowns and thinks, recollecting any previous experiences of his friendly conversations. He is well known for being hot blooded and rash. But surely he must've talked nicely with someone didn't he?

Nope.

"But...what am I gonna say to them?" He asks, hesitatingly putting on the concoction.

The manager smiles and offers him to 'listen, make something up and hang the phone' before leaving for his inner sanctum.

Ed stares at his retreating back, inwardly cursing Maes for getting him stuck in here in the first place. When would he come and pick him up?

But soon, he's brought back to his senses by the shrill sound of the phone ringing.

"Ohno-ohgo call centre!"

"HAAALOOOOWWWW?"

Almost immediately, Ed's feet jerk back a good two inches from where he was standing. He winces at the woman's painful voice and replies holding the headphones as far from his ears as possible.

"Yes ma'am? How can I help you?"

"Iiiiis thiiiis where you buy a car?" The woman asks.

"No mam. It's not." Ed replies, irritated at her lack of brains.

"Are youuu suuure?"

"Yes mam."

"Do I- should I then put the phone doooown?"

"Yes mam."

"Are youuu suuuure?" She asks again in her shrill voice.

"Very sure."

"Do I say bye now?"

"Yes." Ed clenches his fists, trembling as rage overpowers him. But before the woman can bother him any further, he quickly disconnects the phone only to pick it up a moment later.

"I need help. Please help me!"

Ed straightens at the call; a bit happy it's a decent sounding man on the other end of the line. "How can I help you?"

"Well, since last night," the man goes on, "I've been trying to watch my t.v. But I can't because every time I come back, I see the same old sea-monkey doing tricks on his skateboard!"

"Well, so watch something else!" Ed offers, slightly fend off by this obvious query.

"I can't."

"Why not?" He yawns blearily-

"Because they show the same sea-monkey again and again."

-But snaps back his jaw, an idea suddenly hitting him.

"Well change the channel!"

The man seems to consider the idea for a while before he answers, "How?"

Ed grits his teeth and breathes frantically as he desperately tries to keep himself from erupting.

"Can you do that? Can you change channels? How?" The man asks again, awed at the wonderful new creation hand made by man.

"USE THE REMOTE, YOU ASSHOLE!"

The phone is hung down again-

"HELLO! OHNO-OHGO CALL CENTRE!"

-but not for long!

"Speak decently, you unmannered child!"

Ed stops suddenly, taken aback by the woman's queen accent and her strict disciplined voice. He dares not to question her and lets her speak for herself.

"How can I help yo-"

"SPEAK PROPERLY, LAD!"

Ed coughs. He hums and haws a little and clears his throat, responding with a similar dramatic voice, "O mistress! How can my miniature (OUCH!) self help THEE?"

The woman sounds to be fairly pleased as she replies, "It has come to such a matter of urgency that I must ask for your help regarding a matter, I fear, maybe too trivial to be worthy of mention. I shall tell you in details, fearful for leaving out the important information in my attempt to shorten my problem; hence shall I be spreading out the entire dilemma and let it be best for you to decide which is needed and which is not."

"Yes, please."

"It had been two and a half days since I got myself a toaster for my culinary purposes. It was to come with a warrantee of two years and a guarantee that it would cook delightfully. However, this morning, when my husband was off to work, I got myself off the bed, with the intention of making myself some toast. Henceforth, I placed the bread in the slits provided for that purpose and while it was being prepared, I took it upon myself to clean some clothes, perhaps read a page or two of my new magazine. It wasn't long till the mailman had arrived and soon, followed by the paperboy. O sir! How it pains me to tell you of what occurrence took place, a scene so vile and full of evil that made my heart wrench with utter fear and sudden worry for my life! I returned to the kitchen, with feet as steady as a woman's heart (No pun intended) and peered over the toaster, then making my way over to the counter to delightfully nip at some freshly baked biscuits which my dear mother had prepared with her delicate hands to wish for my good health. I did as I had thought, greeting Mrs. Wilson as she passed by the road, o bless her dear soul. It was then the horrendous thing occurred, as if a devil had suddenly possessed my house- oh Dear Lord. Help me from all evil- my toaster suddenly behaved awkwardly, not giving out a single toast after half an hour had passed. And the wretched but once pure bread-pieces were as cold and tough as hell itself!"

"...Did you turn the switch on?" Ed asks, waking up from his little nap. He was lucky to catch the last part of what she said.

"Why...no...!"

The phone slams back into the holder yet again.

In between, several other calls are made and cut.

"ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE SAY **WHOOOOO!!**"

SLAM!

"Are youuu suuuuure?"

"Argh!" Slam!

"What about my toaster?"

"GO. TO. HELL!"

"Mr. Holmes?"

"WRONG SHOW!"

Slam-budging-ring!

"Are youuu suuure?"

"ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep...

By then, it becomes time for Ed to leave. Surely, nothing could go wrong _now_, right?

_Wrong..._

A military car arrives in front of the call centre as Ed watches a soldier, strike his boots and salute him in a perfect poise.

"Mr. Elric?"

"Hello?"

"I came to deliver a message from Lieutenant Colonel Hughes." He says, still standing stiffly, "He is suddenly called off to a meeting with Colonel Mustang and won't be able to take you to him for another two hours. He wants you to remain where you are till then. He is utterly sorry for this inconvenience." And then he zoomed off in a blink, his car leaving clouds of smoke in its path.

Edward stands lifeless and stares helplessly at the road.

He might be well off dead.

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**Moral of the story:** Make sure to plug in the toaster before use.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ways to Annoy Ed Elric.**

**Warning: **Singer-bashing! Sorry of I offend those who love this singer. Personally, neither do I love her nor her songs.

I know, this is totally random. It just came to my mind and I worte it down. It's not one of my best but I hope you like it... :D Please review.

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**IV. Get Him to Meet A So Called Singing Sensation. **

Edward wanders through the streets when he is suddenly surrounded by a gang in black suits and gelled hair.

"W-what? Who are you guys?" He exclaims, "The Mafia?"

The men don't answer. Instead, they take him to a car and slam the door shut, covering the view with their huge backs.

The Mafia? Clearly not.

"H-hey! You didn't answer!" Ed says, bewildered by all of these. "Kidnap!"

He prepares to scream out as loud as he can but then, he is suddenly stopped by a hand placed gently on his shoulders.

Ed squints and turns around to see who it is-

"What are you?!"

-and immediately wished that he hadn't.

The hand belongs to a girl, blonde, shoulder length hair, droopy eyes, wearing a bold neon pink lipstick and her clothes? Oh lord. Can a one piece covering the essential part of boobs and the 'vital female area' be called an attire?

Ed shrugged and sighed. _May be. There are a lot of weirdoes out there!_

He then faces the girl again and raises his brow, demanding an explanation behind all of these.

The girl takes the hint well and says with a smile, "Hello fan! My name is Lady Haha."

"Haha? Hahahahahaha! Haha?"

"It's a stage name."

"Oh!"

"And you've been granted the permission to hear me sing up close and personal!" She replies bringing a huge grin on her lips.

"But I don't wanna-" Ed resists but his denial goes unheard as the woman starts to sing.

"_Real_ good, we're dancin' on the stereo.

_Snap. Snap._ Put on the video.

Don't stop for anyone

I'll be munchin' on it TILL. IT'S. DONE!"

"Eh…that's great la-"

"I'm your biggest fan I'll be eat you around, you know me!

My peppe- pepperoni!"

"So what do you think?" Lady Haha asks, smiling cheerfully.

"Okay?" Ed replies. The song was weird!

The answer pleased the woman as she started another note. Ed didn't bother stop her. He knew it wouldn't make any difference anyways. He, hence, sat and sighed waiting for the torture to be over.

"Jo-jo-jo-joker face; jo-jo-joker face (Ha ha ha ha);

Jo-jo-jo-joker face; jo-jo-joker face."

"Ha ha ha ha." The Mafia bodyguards sing from outside the car.

"Jo-jo-jo-joker face; jo-jo-joker face (ha ha ha ha.)

Jo-jo-jo-joker face; jo-jo-joker face."

"Ha ha ha ha. Wait! What?" Ed also sings instantaneously, and then covers his mouth, terrified of what he has done. "This is insane! I'm getting off right now!" He growls, tugging at the door.

Lady Haha grabs hold of his jacket with a good speed and says, pulling him towards her, "Thank you. You are my number one fan!"

"I am?"

"Yes! And for that, you'll get my autograph!"

"But I don't want one!"

Lady Haha again ignored Ed's pleas and sets him free after handing him her autograph and taking many photos of him with her. The guards take Ed where they had found him and literally drop him on the ground, receiving a glare and many unmentionable profanities from Ed himself. They then head for the car which takes off, leaving behind a cloud of smoke and dust.

Ed remains on the ground, staring blankly at the 'Lady Haha' chicken scratch on his hand completely blank of what just passed over him.

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**Moral of the story: **Avoid people with weird names.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ways to Annoy Ed Elric**

**Disclaimer:** Again, I wish FMA belonged to me. :'(

**AN: **So so so so so sorry, guys! This time, the writer's block just wouldn't go away. But it's gone now and I hope that I didn't lose all my reviewers! Now, the updates will be faster, you'll see! :D Ok, this involves daily soaps and I hate them. So I thought: hey, why not make a parody of a typical one? I might be a bit rusty but I hope to get back in track soon.

Also, I'd like to thank all of you for supporting me and especially **EternalTearsOfBlood** and **evemiliana** for providing me ideas. I'll write based on those in the next chapters. Trust me, I will 'cause those are just some cool themes! Till then, enjoy! And please guys, drop some of your kind reviews? Thanks. Oh and HAPY NEW YEAR! *grins*

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**V. Get Him to Watch a Daily Soap.**

"Brother, brother!" Al barges in, making Ed cringe and look up from his book.

"Brother, brother!"

"What _is_ it Al?" Ed replies, not appreciating the interruption…that too when all lunatics should be in bed and not reading some alchemy stuff like abnormal people. Excluding Ed of course.

"It's time for my soap. I want to watch it but you'll feel disturbed."

_Soap. _How can Ed forget? Ever since that damn thing started a month ago, it _brainwashed_ all poor souls and made them glued in front of the television set from ten p.m…and Al- who's entirely soulful, _literally_- was no exception either.

Ed sighs and closes the book. There's no point stalling the inevitable. Al is not going to take 'no' for an answer and that means only one thing. Ed's research for the night will have to end and that he has no choice but to pray to the supreme power for the next one hour.

And so starts the show.

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"DINKY NO!" A woman screams, outstretching her arm in front of the camera. This Dinky character has fallen from stairs and his ever so loving wife is crying for him as he tumbles down and down, all around, round and round. She has even made sure to wear waterproof eye makeup so that she doesn't cry black tears and look horrible! Such thinking ahead is rarely seen nowadays.

Slowly, other members of the huge family emerge and stare in shock at the stairs. Each one does so- as the camera is pointed at them one by one- giving different expressions with the thunder-roaring music.

Ed groans. These background scores always cause him migraine. Seriously! Can't they just stare in shock quietly? Is it really necessary to include drum rolls and booming sounds?

One was so loud that Ed actually fell off his bed once! It should affect Al as well…oh. Then again, he has no ears. Probably now would be a good time for his younger brother to understand how _vital _it is for Ed to restore themselves! Only then will this torture finally cease.

After one minute, when the family members were exhausted from staring and when the vamp was done with her evil secret smirks, a mother-in-law comes out of nowhere and gets hold of the crying, sobbing woman.

"This is the limit Pinky! THE LIMIT!" She shouts while Pinky shudders with an equally trembling music. The camera zooms in on her shocked face from right, then it goes left, then right, centre, left, centre and top!

_PAUSE!_

"Mummy!"

"ENOUGH…UFF…UF!" The mother-in-law raises her hand and her voice echoes all over the room, shocking everyone- even Dinky who's a tangled mess at the bottom of the staircase. "Get out of my house. GET OUT…out…out! "

Again the thunder clash and again tricks with the camera. _Again_ the faces of terrified members and yet again, the vamp smiles, curling a lock of her hair with her fingers.

"No Mummy! Don't do this to me! What have I done to deserve this? Oh woe is me! I cook, clean, moan and groan at night and still it's not enough! Oh I'm a failure! A FAILURE!" And Pinky starts sobbing, flailing her arms in a dramatic way- here and there- twirling side by side. She never forgets to look away from the camera and makes sure her lipstick is intact. The violin starts playing in the background. More gasps and trembles come from the rest of the family.

Pinky suddenly inhales sharply and glares at the other woman in a sort of slow motion. Like those times when one is possessed. She even gives her the 'possessed' look as well! "I won't go. BITCH…ITCH…TCH!"

More echoes.

"PINKY!"

_Slap…slap…slap..._

This time, no music.

The mother in law can take it no more and she smacks the thinner woman hard- this too in an echo and the whole television goes mute and the characters just _freeze _entirely.

Ed twitches and snatches the remote away from his brother. He frantically presses the volume key and curses when the T.V makes no sound even at full volume.

**"NO****!" **

"Arrrrrrgh!" Ed shrieks and fumbles with the remote, clutching his heart and breathing frantically. The blood curdling sound of Pinky screaming is dreadful than death itself! The woman has a loud voice and at full volume, she is no less than thousands of Winries screaming all together right in Ed's ears.

Al, however, seems to take no notice and simply peers at the screen. He is used to his brother screaming and this is the most important part of the serial. Only ten minutes left and this is the climax! To honour the character, he even sniffles, wishing he had some sort of water duct to produce fake tears…or snot.

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Ed glances at the clock and sighs in relief. Only one minute left and Pinky's luggage is already kicked outside. Now, she's just saying her goodbye to each of her family member. _Individually._

"Perhaps it's my own fault. I've failed to contribute much to this family. This loyal _loyal_ family who've given me so much love." Pinky says, moving around the room and grabbing arms, legs and other body parts of her family. "But this is only a speed bump. I know, the dark times are on us and we'll get through. History is a witness. No evil has reigned over the good. And we're all good. Especially me because I'm the lead actress. I'm pure, honest, religious and ideal and without me, '_Wife,_ _Go to Hell!' _will never be a success. Because I'm the wife and you all will go to hell!"

Seconds tick away and Ed starts becoming anxious. Not long now. One or two steps and Pinky will be gone.

_Will they stop her? Will the vamp marry Dinky? Will the mother-in-law run away too? Will Dinky bring Pinky back? Wait…will she go? Will she? Won't she? Will she? Won't she? Will she?_

Ed's heart rate increases, sweat beads on his forehead. He starts chewing his nails and his automail, breath becomes panicked and staggered. This is just too much to bear.

"Uncle Alfie, please take your medicine. I'll be no longer here to remind you that you're dying."

_Goddamnit! _And she's even not done talking yet? Unfathomable!

"Aunty Ralfie, don't eat garlic. You stink. Jason, my lover-turned-adopted son-turned- father in law-turned brother-in-law, do your homework." Pinky sighs her voice choked with glycerin induced tears. She faces the audience, quivers her awesomely glossed lips, bats her eyelashes, sniffles and finally _goes_ to take her final steps outside.

Suddenly, the camera pauses, a loud bang of drum coming from the background and below the screen, words appear as the music dies away: To be continued…

Ed screams in frustration, wiping his eyes. "No make them stop!" He yells, rubbing his eyes and nose furiously. "Pinky can't leave, Pinky can't leave!"

"Uh…brother?"

"She needs to stay otherwise the vamp will steal Dinky away from her!" He squeaks and hugs Al's metal leg, imploring so desperately.

"Brother?"

"Can't you _see _Al?" Ed goes on, not paying heed the only other person in the room, "This is all a scheme! The vamp planned to get rid of Pinky all along! So she could butter Dinky's mom- that bitch- and marry her son!"

Al grows nervous. He knows what an insane Ed can do. And an Inane Ed is more annoying than an emotional Ed. He tries to shake his brother off him but the shorter boy just clings to him like a leech.

"This is a felony, Al! Treason! A mistake! A HUGE MISTAKE! STOP PINKY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! BEFORE. IT'S. TOO. LATE! PINKY STOP! PINKY! PINKYYYY!"

Al sighs and then shakes his head. They say there's no boundary to acquire knowledge and just now, he has learned the most valuable lesson of all: never ever let Ed enter the room when they air any soap. The aftermath will be _disastrous—_

**"PINKY!"**

-For the neighbours, mostly.

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**Moral of the story:** Be sure to catch the next episode or else you'll suffer panic attacks!


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note**

Guys, it was fun to go on with this story but now, it's time to end it. Actually, I ended it a long time ago but just didn't make it official yet.

Thank you all who've reviewed and added this very important 'List'. You guys really motivated me and really helped me to come up with all these crazy ideas. :P However, that being said, I really plan to write up a new story involving our favourite Edo and it will be just as much hillarious as this one!

So till then,

Take care~

Love,

XxIrisxX


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